salted chocolate | life with a dash of flavor

This past weekend was awesome – mainly because it sucked.

On Saturday, I was tending to my “garden” and allowed Moosehead to roam free in the backyard – a great freedom we’ve bestowed upon her since we have a fence. She stayed outside with me for about an hour, which is a record considering she begins to pant if the inside temperature falls below 75. During that hour, I didn’t know what she was doing. I never know what she’s doing. But it never fails – she usually rolls in at least 2 piles of bird shit, so I assumed that’s what she was doing…

After she had gotten as much bird shit-smell on her as possible, I let her inside and went on my way checking the roses that lined the back portion of the fence (where she had spent most of her shit-rolling time). As I moved onto the next rose-bush, I looked down to see something strange. It was black, and gray, and brown, and white. It took me about 5 seconds to realize it was an effing snake. I didn’t even notice the thing until I almost stepped on it. I later learned it was a Cottonmouth snake. There are only 6 snakes in Florida that are venomous, and this was one of them. KEWWL. 

I freaked out. I’m typically more afraid of bugs than snakes, but this snake was the size of my forearm, its mouth was wide open exposing its teeth, and it was about a foot away from me. There was only 1 thing to do in this situation, and that was to do the damn thing. That’s right. I won’t go into details of how it disappeared because I hear “disposing” of snakes is “illegal”, so we’ll just say it’s no longer in the yard. And I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have a head anymore either, but I cannot confirm nor deny that…

This is the 3rd Cottonmouth snake we’ve seen in our yard since May. KEWWL.

Then, our toilets broke. BOTH of them. If you stick your hand down to manually flush the toilet, sure it’ll work, but this is the 21st century. I’m not going to manually flush my toilets. But I’m not going to relieve myself in an outhouse either, no matter how far out in the country I live. Do you know what it’s like to let visitors know that they have to turn on the water (because we discovered the toilet water runs every 2 seconds – thus running up our water bill), then take off the lid and reach their hand into the water, pull up the string that flushes the toilet, and then turn off the water again? It embarrassing. But as usual, ManFriend found a solution for the guys and now our lawn is fertilized with the pleasant spray of beer-soaked pee. I told you this was a KEWWL weekend.

And finally there was the bridal expo. What is it about free crap that makes people go crazy? I understand if you’re getting a free meal, maybe even a free drink, but a free t-shirt? A free coupon (in which you still have to buy something)? A free PEN?

We arrived right on-time and the line was wrapped around the corner. There were even men there. I felt sorry for them but at the same time I thought they were complete idiots. Did they not get the memo that this is a BRIDAL expo? Or were they that big of pushovers that their fiances made them attend? Either way, I wish them luck in life – because they need it. And they also need to grow a pair.

After waiting in line for about 20 minutes, we finally entered. Upon walking in, we had to label ourselves with stickers that read “I’m the Bride” or “I’m the Bridesmaid”. Even though I’m technically not a bridesmaid and I’ll eventually be a bride (I think), I chose the “I’m the Bride” sticker – why not? I made sure to send a picture of my sticker to ManFriend so he gets a clue. He’s probably still scratching his head over that one… but I digress…

Maybe I just don’t look the part, or maybe I have this imaginary sticker on my forehead that reads “Nope, she’s still just a bridesmaid” – but I never have been more ignored in my entire life. Do I really not look like a bride? Or did I really look that miserable? Either way, each vendor spoke directly to my friend and didn’t even wince in my direction. So much for that sticker…

The conference room we were in was big, but too small for the amount of women there. Out of nowhere we heard loud music, a bunch of screaming, and a stampede of women clamoring to get close to the stage. I thought to myself – male strippers? Sadly, no. They were giving out free items to the crowd. A coupon for a free meal to Applebee’s? No, a PEN. A pink pen with an advertisement on it. I saw one of the ground, but didn’t bother to pick it up. And yet these women felt compelled enough by those free pens to scream at the top of their lungs. We had to leave. And alls I got was a lousy cake pop.

Ok, the cake pop wasn’t lousy but the bridal expo was.

KEWWL.